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What I need and want

This article by Alicia Lile was originally posted on the blog Moonlit Lily.

I want to be loved and accepted.

I wish others to tell me that it’s wonderful that I was born.

I feel guilty of existing, tell me I am wrong.

I need to see others talking about how happy they are with knowing and living with Autistic people, not despite of Autism and not only knowing suffering.

I don’t want to be seen as the source of my loved ones suffering. I want to know I don’t ruin anyone’s life, I don’t want to be a burden.

Know I want others to be happy, even more than I wish to be happy.

I wish you were my friend, I wish I have found friends and not bullies and abusers.

When I finally manage to gather my strength to tell you something, listen and know all the effort that costs me, respect what I have to say even if you don’t understand.

If I think or feel differently it doesn’t mean I am wrong, it doesn’t mean you are wrong, it means that there is not right way of perceiving the world and that my brain works in a particular way.

Do not deny what I feel, do not think I am lying if you don’t understand.

Don’t dismiss things as me being too sensitive or irrational.

Validate my experiences.

If I can’t hug you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I am insensitive.

If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I am being rude.

If I don’t talk it doesn’t mean I can’t listen.

Communication is difficult, talking is really difficult.

If I look angry, it’s not always something I can control.

I can’t always control the tone of my voice, I may sound angry when I am not.

Know I can only focus on one thing at a time and changing focus is hard.

If I am happy and really liking a subject don’t say I am obsessed and that this is wrong.

Things that are easy and automatic for you are difficult and need concentration and effort for me, be patient if I take longer or don’t do something.

I was taught to comply to everything, even what causes me pain and what makes me suffer, I feel guilty when I feel I deserve better, help me understand this is not how things should be, help me understand I can have rights without feeling guilt.

If I can gather the courage to tell you something you don’t notice or don’t feel, if I say that something that it’s simple for you is difficult for me, if I get scared with things that don’t scare you, if I find the courage to ask for a right of mine, don’t say I am complaining, don’t act like I am imagining things.

Don’t laugh of my fears, there is no universal notion of scary, just because something doesn’t scares you it doesn’t mean my fear is silly or funny.

Understand I have too much empathy, I feel too much when I see others distress and pain, so I shut down sometimes.

When I want to confort you I normally don’t know how, believe I am more worried for you than you can think.

I don’t want to bother others because that is the only thing I think I do, I believe I only cause grief, cherish my presence and be happy when I can think I can be treated fairly.

I need to know I have a right to exist, a right to be here, a right to be who I am with Autism and all.

I can’t be forced to act as someone else.

Don’t tell me that everything I do is wrong, that you think every way I act it’s weird, don’t laugh of the things I do, don’t expect that I change everything I need to change for you to think I am worthy of being respected as human.

I need others to recognize the violence of ‘teaching’ me to behave in ways that are strange and painful for me.

I need to be taught self-love, pride, self-respect and self-esteem, not how to look others in the eye.

I need to know there is no normal.

I need you patience when I cannot do things or when I do not understand something.

Just because you don’t see a difficulty it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I want to you to know that I am sorry for everything, I shouldn’t be.

I need to know that it’s a good thing I am the way I am.

I need to know that it’s okay to be Autistic, that I am not doing anything wrong, that I am not wrong, I am not flawed.

I need to learn how to work with what I have, not wait to have more.

I want to know that you don’t think having a ‘normal’ child is better.

I am not a broken version of a normal me. I don’t want to be someone that you want to replace with a ‘normal’ person.

If we disagree I will respect you, do the same because people are different, we think differently, we have different opinions, but respect needs to be for all.

I don’t want to cure my Autism, I want to honour the beauty and joy it brings without denying the struggles.

I consider Autism to be a pervasive part of me, so I wouldn’t remove it and thinking like this changed me for better.

Just because I say something good about Autism it doesn’t mean I don’t have serious problems, just because I say something bad about Autism it doesn’t mean I think it’s all negative or that I don’t accept it.

I wish to be loved not despite Autism, but loved as Autistic, loved just the way I am.

Understand I have a life to be lived, with Autism. Better to embrace it then to fight it.

Accepting Autism, accepting myself as I am is the most satisfying feeling I know.

I know good things and see beauty because of Autism, understand that just because I focus on the bad it doesn’t mean there is no good, it means I want to improve.

My suffering from others attitude is deeper than any frustration that Autism brings.

Autism is part of me and it molds me, if I wish to love myself, I must accept being Autistic, I already have the scars of self-hatred.

I need to know that you would never change the fact I was born.

I need to know that it’s okay, and things will be fine somehow, that I am beautiful this way and I have a beauty in the deep way I see and feel the world.

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